last night i had a dream where i met up with my surgeon and when i asked him about the surgery he said that it had been cancelled and that i would have to wait until june.

woke up crying and hyperventilating. it was awful.

i’ve been having really bad dreams the last week or so, and i feel constantly stressed out. i think it’s because i’m getting really, really nervous. it’s so close. 18 days left. don’t get me wrong, i’m really excited aswell, but everytime it crosses my mind that i’m actually doing this, my heart skips a beat and i can’t think clearly.

every day i keep finding new little things that i won’t be able to do after surgery, or that will be harder or different. like putting on socks. getting in and out of bed. tying my shoes. picking up stuff from the ground. looking over my shoulder. so whenever i do any of these things, i keep thinking “maybe this is the last time i’m doing this for a very long time”. it’s all just starting to hit me.

but the best part is that even if it’s gonna be the hardest thing i’ll physically ever have to go through, even if it’ll be the worst pain i’ll ever experience or that the rehabilitation is going to be really tough, i can’t wait to do it. all of it. i’m really excited, and i know it’s gonna be SO worth it. i can’t wait for people to actually believe me when i say i’m in pain, or for people to really understand WHY i’ve been in so much pain for these last eight or seven years of my life. cause even if i’ve explained to them, i know that they don’t understand. so what, my back is a little crooked. it shouldn’t be that bad. i should pull it together. well, the day when i get to show them my scar and my before/after x-rays, that’s when they will believe me. and it’s gonna feel amazing.